I want to apologize to all the Minor Prophets. I know that I may have offended some of you by my tirade during lunch in the Word today. I don’t truly hate any of you godly men. I am just frustrated by the genius of your work. I can’t seem to understand much of Zechariah. I struggle with a lot of the other books too. Hosea, bummer that you had to marry a loose woman. You were at lot more understanding than I would have been. Amos, you were much more than just a goat herder. Habakkuk, you ask some great questions.Obadiah, I didn’t mean to make fun of the size of your book. Even though it can be hard to find, it has some great insights for today. We can learn a lot from the example of what happened to Edom.
Forgive me for speaking out of turn. You guys are awesome. You challenge me that my journey in the Word will never be finished. Please don’t gang tackle me when I get to heaven. Ask Jonah, I’m really a nice guy once you get to know me.
Jeff, you better read this. Or else it won’t be as funny to the rest of my readers.
While talking about prayer in a recent sermon, Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill in
Seattle said the following, “The Holy Spirit is not an intern. He doesn’t take orders. We can ask, but He will do what He wants to do.”This made me laugh as I remember all the times that I have heard people talk to the Holy Spirit like he is one to take orders from us. We can’t boss God around, and the Holy Spirit is God. We can seek the Spirit’s help and intervention in a particular situation. The Spirit helps to guide us to the truth.
The above quote also made me cry as I remembered the times that I have treated God like He is a cosmic genie or ATM. It’s not as simple as say my wish and get what I want. I exist for God not the other way around.
Holy Spirit, please forgive me when I have not treated you with the respect and honor that you deserve. Guide me in my prayers. Help me to know how to keep in step with what you are doing. May my prayers be guided by you and in line with the will of the Father. May I have an ear to hear what you are saying to me. May I be slow to speak and quick to listen. Help me to seek first what you would have me pray and then release my faith in accordance with your Word. Amen!
On Friday, I went and had Lasik surgery to restore my vision in both eyes. While sitting in the waiting room, my father said, “This thing looks like a racket. Are you sure this is going to work?”
Unbeknownst to my dad, his comment caused me to think about what if he was right. I personally know a lot of people who have had the procedure done. For the most part, they all had really good results. How could so many people be deceived about the results? Maybe they spent so much money that the placebo effect caused them to think their vision was better. Or possibly they were afraid to say that the emperor had no clothes. Or maybe it is a conspiracy.
Then my mind started to race through likely conspiracy theories. Having recently seen a number of X-Files episodes, I started to wonder what if people who had Lasik done were actually replaced with alien beings. This might be a way that aliens could populate the planet. The doctor keeps on telling you to look at the little green light. All the while, the happy patient doesn’t realize what is happening until it is too late. The souls of the people are transported to a holding tank on the mother ship. Then the aliens inhabit the body of the Lasik patient.
Of course, they have better vision. They are now an alien. And even if they didn’t have better vision, they would lie about it because they want more people to become aliens. I am sure that the aliens don’t use sight as their primary sense any way. Most of what they see is done through telepathy.
And I thought the really bad smell during the procedure was burning eye ball. Maybe the “laser” is actually a soul transportation beam. Here’s the most American part of the plan, all of these Lasik centers are making a killing in the process. Aliens takeover the planet while the stock of Lasik companies goes through the roof.
I know this all sounds silly. But if you are going to think about conspiracy theories, you might as well go all out. Right?
The good news is that the above is just a ludicrous theory. I feel completely fine. The only big difference is that I can see great without my glasses or contact lenses. I am the same ole Chaille.
Or isn’t that what you would expect me to say even if I had become an alien?