Daily Archives: October 12, 2007

A Church for Me

What if church was like Burger King where you get exactly what you want? Your way, right away, right now. Let’s make a list…

  • Engaging Sermons on relevant topics, yet not too personal as to actually bring conviction.
  • Personalized worship where the band plays my favorite songs every week.
  • Reserved parking spot close to the door.
  • A sensitive environment where the Holy Spirit will never take over my body and make me do something that I would be embarrassed about later.
  • Cool stage show.
  • Community center with state-of-the-art theater, gym and athletic/workout facility.
  • Service ministry that includes working on my house or my car.
  • Greeters who tell me how good I look and enquire about my week.
  • Regular meetings with a pastor who listens to my gripes and says that everyone else is wrong and I am right while keeping a straight face.
  • Hip, cool building that reflects whatever is the latest trend in megachurches.
  • A church with a good reputation so that I don’t have to feel weird when I tell my friends where I go to church.
  • Communion with real bread instead of the typical, plastic wafer that most churches offer today. I don’t want to eat fake Jesus. Real wine just because it’s more original than Welch’s grape juice.
  • Singles group with many “sane” and attractive women my age.
  • Free I-phone if I “donate” at least $2,000 or give 100  hours of service to the church. After all, my time is worth something.
  • Intercessors who pray three times a week for at least 30 minutes just for me. No, they don’t pray for anything bad like growing experiences. They just pray for prosperity.
  • Occasional references by the pastor during his sermon to good works that I have done.
  • Funny, entertaining skits that prove a point that others need to hear and not me.
  • Breakfast buffet on Sundays complete with made to order omelet by one of the pastors.
  • Numerous sermons where the pastor tells me that God wants to give me lots of stuff.
  • Free Superbowl tickets if I get near perfect attendance.
  • My picture as one of many in a collage on the Church’s homepage.
  • A receipt for all my good works with a personalized IOU from God.
  • Youth who actually are receptive to things that I might teach in Sunday School or youth group.
  • Numerous references by the senior pastor to Jesus exercising demons from Washington Redskin fans.
  • Discounted mission trips for “super spiritual” people like me. Others should pay for me because it is a benefit to them for me to be on the trip.
  • Senior pastor who is on the national speaker circuit just because my friends would think that is really cool.

Are you looking for a church just for you? Well maybe this promo video for a new church will be right up your alley.


{Disclaimer: everything in this post has been a joke. Please don’t take it seriously. But honestly, we all can get a bit selfish sometimes.}